{"id":7364,"date":"2017-05-16T15:27:57","date_gmt":"2017-05-16T22:27:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lifeandhealth.wordifysites.com\/?p=7364"},"modified":"2017-05-17T09:32:39","modified_gmt":"2017-05-17T16:32:39","slug":"when-you-dont-feel-chosen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/lifestyle\/when-you-dont-feel-chosen\/157364.html","title":{"rendered":"When You Don\u2019t Feel Chosen"},"content":{"rendered":"

Falling to\u00a0the\u00a0bottom of someone else\u2019s priorities. Coming last in line, after all the things that provide the instant gratification, the hit, the high.<\/p>\n

When addiction consumes\u00a0someone you care about, when it\u2019s raging out of control \u2014 it doesn\u2019t matter how supportive you are, or faithful, or encouraging, or forgiving \u2014 deep down, there\u2019s this suffocating sense\u00a0that no matter what the options, if given the choice they will choose their addiction over you. Every time.<\/p>\n

\"chosen+shed+the+mask+sarah+mcdugal+author\"<\/a>Something about your\u00a0powerlessness to change their reality is enough to suck the air out of your lungs. It can crush your sense of value and shatter your identity even when you know who you are and you\u2019re confident that you\u2019re valuable. You can\u2019t stop it from battering you over and over again, like a tank into the walls protecting your heart.<\/p>\n

In the early years, I wondered if his addiction was my fault. Why couldn\u2019t he choose me<\/em> instead? When it came down to it, why did other naked women always win?<\/p>\n

Hundreds of hours of counseling, reading, and wrestling with God on my knees later \u2014 I finally accepted that it had nothing to do with me.\u00a0None of it\u00a0meant I wasn\u2019t enough. Pretty enough. Smart\u00a0enough. Willing enough. Vulnerable enough. Anything else\u00a0<\/em>enough.\u00a0Addiction isn\u2019t about the spouse, it\u2019s about the addict \u2014 but that truth is a cactus\u00a0pill.<\/p>\n

I often had to remind myself that the\u00a0cultivated incapacity\u00a0to stay faithful started long before I entered the picture, and it was rooted in things that happened long before I was in his life. It was the result of a lifetime of choosing what felt\u00a0easy\u00a0and\u00a0fun, instead of what was right.<\/p>\n

I was<\/em> enough.
\nJust not for him.<\/h3>\n

Not next to his addiction.
\nWhich still left me feeling bereft. And bitter.
\nFor more years, I wrestled with releasing those emotions.
\nIf I\u2019m enough, then why can\u2019t you choose me<\/em>?<\/p>\n

For myriad reasons, it didn\u2019t turn out that way. Ultimately, he chose himself\u2026 his pleasure\u2026 his addiction. The women who could never love him back,\u00a0won out over his family and his marriage. He left. My children and I started life over from scratch<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The last two years have given me a ringside seat,\u00a0observing God\u2019s ability to bring beauty from ashes and rebuild the foundation those years of emotional abandonment and abuse eroded away. I\u2019ve seen how the journey toward redemption brings healing\u00a0and growth and faith. How learning to live with one face is an evolutionary experience<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, I daydream what it would feel like to know I was chosen<\/em>. To know someone chooses to love me and my children, only just less than they love God. That, out of all the families in the world, they choose us<\/em> to fill their heart.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I think about that, when I lie awake in the wee hours, long before my babies stumble in for their pre-sunrise snuggles.<\/p>\n

And then, one recent wakeful\u00a0morning\u00a0around 4 am, something\u00a0dawned on me in a whole new way.<\/p>\n

I AM ALREADY CHOSEN.<\/h2>\n

That\u2019s what Jesus means when he calls me<\/em>\u00a0His bride. When He says He loves me\u00a0enough to die to keep me\u00a0safe. When He offered Himself in my<\/em> place \u2014 He is the lover, the husband, my\u00a0hero in a hostage crisis pleading \u201cdon\u2019t hurt her, take ME instead!\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesus chooses me<\/em>.
\nHe wants\u00a0me<\/em>.<\/h4>\n

Even when\u2026\"chosen+shed+the+mask+sarah+mcdugal+author\"<\/a><\/p>\n